I never wanted to become ‘that parent’.
Really – I didn’t. As a former educator, I’ve seen plenty of them, and know how they are talked about in the teacher’s lounge.
I’m a pretty laid back person. Introverted. I hate confrontation and conflict.
And – full confession – I’ve rolled my eyes at those parents in the past.
But, sometimes, we have to become that which we don’t want to become or understand.
We’ve been pretty fortunate with our children’s educations. Despite my fears that teachers and administrators wouldn’t ‘get’ my daughter, in the past, they have.
This past year was different though, and advocating has taken on a new perspective. It’s gone from an educational buzzword to reality for us.
I’ve written about advocating before, but my idea of advocating for gifted children, at that time, was in a very broad sense – funding from the state, gifted coordinators in every school, awareness etc.
It’s now become very personal.
When it Becomes Personal
Transitioning from 5th to 6th is a difficult time, we’d been told. I don’t remember my own transition to middle school being very painful, so I admit that, despite the warnings, I let my guard down a bit and didn’t see the warning signs early on. My daughter seemed to be transitioning alright, so I waited a couple of months to call the school to set up a meeting with the counselor and all of her teachers at one time.
Because we didn’t get a single response (to repeated requests) from the counselor for over a month, despite my repeated efforts, by the time something was set up, we were nearly finished with the first term and problems had set in.
Not only was the meeting not with everyone at the same time, which I believed to be extremely important so that we could all have input and work as a team, but by this time, her teachers had now formed their own opinions of her, without any input or understanding of her background and information from us. (While some educators actually prefer these meetings take place after they have gotten to know the child and won’t meet until they have, I believe this can be a mistake. Despite how unprejudiced we like to think we are, we all form opinions of people that are hard to shake even after we get to know them and have new information about them.)
This was when we had the “work ethic” conversation that left me feeling angry, alienated and unsupported by the very people who were put in place to work with us to ensure she succeeded.
The rest of the year pretty much followed that pattern. Her counselor and teachers didn’t follow through on what we agreed to in the meeting, phone calls and emails weren’t returned, and my daughter continued a roller coaster ride that ended on a really sour note, with everyone washing their hands of her.
Becoming ‘That’ Parent
Because we couldn’t/can’t get anyone to listen, we have now had to become pot stirrers, thorns in the side, PITAs… whatever you want to call it.
I still can’t get phone calls or emails returned, but I keep making them. We started this process before school ended, and, summer vacation be damned, we will see it through to ensure that, come the fall, she has something in place with the school that will require them to sit down with us and develop a plan of action for her.
I never wanted to become ‘that’ parent, and I’m not looking to make enemies or get anyone in trouble, but my daughter is so much more important to me than what anyone else thinks of me. So we will keep pushing forward and see that she isn’t allowed to fall through the cracks and stands a fighting chance.
I am “THAT” parent because my daughter needs me to be, and I embrace it.
photo via flickr
I’ve been that parent. Yes. I have. The non-communication is the most maddening. Power on.
I’ve wished it was cool to be ‘that’ parent, but I’m over that notion… Non-communication is torture, and I’m not going away.
Power on, indeed!
I worked so hard not to be “that” parent, and I blew it. I should have been the squeaky wheel years earlier, and with more squeak.
Unfortunately, the same people who don’t want to see “that” parent breed “those parents” by forcing us to be noisy to advocate for our kid. I’d love to be introverted and non-controversial, but the same people that don’t want to deal with “that” parent don’t respond to the polite ones.
Ann – that’s the lesson I’m learning: more squeak and sooner!
You are spot on about how the cycle goes…
As an educator and as a parent, I, like you, have been on both sides of the “that parent” scenario. In fact, my son’s father had to become “that parent” at his school this year…with my full support.
One of our jobs as parents is to teach our children to stand up for things. We want them to become adults that will stand up for what is right and stand up for themselves. The most effective way to teach this skill is by modeling it. They need to see that we will stand up for them. They need to see us go through the proper channels, calmly, patiently, and each in its own time. Once proper channels have been exhausted, however, and “right” still hasn’t been done, they need to see us take it further. And if that means that we have to become “that parent” from time to time, then so be it. “That” parent, “that” employee, “that” woman, “that” minority has always been “that” person who has been able to bring about substantive, positive change.
So, congratulations, Karla, on being “that” parent. You were dragged to this place reluctantly, but you’re embracing it now. Your daughter will be so much better off for it!
Karla,
I didn’t want to be “that parent” for my oldest (5th grade) who is in Special Education. If I hadn’t, she would not be succeeding our expectations in her classroom right now.
I didn’t want to be “that parent” for my son (4th grade) who they wanted to put in Special Education (who has no medical diagnosis and is having no educational issues other than behavioral but not nearly enough for a 504 or IEP) so they could get a new Special Ed Tech. If I hadn’t, they would have pulled him from the regular classroom and not given him a chance. Instead he’s doing fabulous academically after a teacher change 3/4 of the way through the school year.
I didn’t want to be “that parent” for my youngest (3rd grade now who accelerated past 1st grade after two weeks) who I recently found out they tested incorrectly and first denied placement in the GT program for this fall because they did not take the time to provide the correct level testing. That being said, I’m thankful that I am “that parent” because when I found out about the incorrect level testing they did for 40 kids to determine the top 5% for the Gifted program, I realized that my advocacy not only impacts my child, but this time at least the other 39 tested for the program. I’ve now talked to the Superintendent three times in two weeks and will again on Friday to find out how they are going to resolve the placement decisions made because of the incorrect testing.
Our job is not to bake cookies or make friends with the teachers. Our job is to support our teachers by giving them the tools needed to help teach our children. It’s painful, but the bottom line is that we know our children best and we will have to deal with the ramifications of our children not being able to succeed to their highest potential. I have always and will always remain fully supportive of every teacher my children has in the classroom. What I will not do ever, however, is to allow the administration of any school to not give our teachers adequate information to teach my children. And I will not allow any school district to dictate how my children are taught. We have laws to protect our children, to help them when they qualify for additional services, and laws to protect them when they do not qualify as well.
I hate the fact that I can’t eat or sleep the night before school meetings, and that I have panic attacks while waiting for emails and phone calls to be returned. But honestly, I wouldn’t trade it for one second because my kids are all doing well in school because I have become “that parent” for all of them. And it’s not because I have the ability to volunteer every day in their classes, or run the PTA- it’s because my children know that I am there to help them any way I can to become their very best.
My wife and I have become “those parents” and we are not ashamed of it. I figure if we don’t make noise for our child no one will. I quit caring what people thing about us. If they want us to be quiet then they will live up to the meager expectations we have for the school. We don’t ask for individual courses of study but we do expect the teachers to understand that Emily learns and responds differently than most other children.
I am proud to be “that parent” because being “that parent” is synonymous with being someone who cares.
I really understand being THAT parent. It makes me cringe knowing I must be causing eye-rolls here and there, but it’s who I have to be.
My husband and I have had to be “those” parents, and as teachers also, we worked hard to avoid the label. Even with the very few and easy-to-implement modifications we requested on our son’s behalf, they were ignored, and we were still viewed as “those” parents because we dared to make requests. So I believe you’re going to earn the label whether you really are or not, so own it and be proud of it in the course of doing what’s best for your child.
I thought I was reading my own story for a moment. I became “that” parent when my daughter had a long-rerm sub the last trimester in 5th grade. It got so bad for her, her hair started falling out from all the stress she endured. Let me tell you that I know my name became mud after that; and I’m an educator myself! Transition to 6th grade was torture. I do have to say the teachers were understanding and easy to talk with. It was mostly the administration. They are not equipped to deal with children outside the box. Thanks for letting me share….
After years of meeting where they made me feel like I was crazy, or demanding “special” treatment, we had a rough meeting with all the teachers when my son was in 6th grade. The usual story: he is so bright but is immature and unorganized, etc. The math teacher pulled me aside afterward and whispered, “Don’t stop or he’ll be lost.” I love her.
This seems to be an epidemic in the middle and high schools. We went through this years ago with our children and it was so maddening. I am an elementary teacher and I frequently said that if I treated parents the way that I had been treated after my children left elementary, that I would have been called to the carpet. There seems to be this idea that once a child reaches middle school, the parents no longer have anything to say, but this is precisely the age that your kids need you the most. And, you do have something to say about their education. Who knows your child better than you. And, any teacher, counselor, administrator, etc. who doesn’t recognize that, regardless of the grade to which they have advanced, should not be in the profession.
I totally commend you & any other parent who stands up for their child & what’s right. I know having my own 3 children how that is very important. We are responsible for teaching them everything they need to know & not give up on them when they need or deserve something. They depend on us, we are their voice until they can be heard. We must always be determined in trying to get them whatever it is they need or should have,…& never give up anything without a good fight! Personally, I’ve made a lot of enemies, (not wanting to,) but only because I knew my children were entitled & they simply thought they knew my children & what was best for them. They couldn’t of been more wrong. I was determined, patient long enough & demanded what they should do to give my children exactly what they needed & nothing less! Now, they all know me & probably roll their eyes, but they know they will have a fight on their hands if things aren’t what they should be for my children! Sometimes, NICE works, but on the flip-flop, NICE wasn’t enough….. Getting tough was! Yes, I fought good fights you could say, but I never say never until I’ve done “everything” possible I could. My father always believed in “what’s right is right” & “what’s wrong is wrong” as a rule, God rest his sole. I’ll follow that rule to the end as well, ha!
So, I say to you & other parents; take it from me, be nice & yet firm with what your after. Never, ever just except NO or less than what your child(ten) deserve. You must be determined & stick in there for them, fight a good fight! Stick to your guns! Do not worry about what others think!!! These are your kids, you know them more than anyone does. You will be teaching them how not to let people run over them, but most of all, what’s right!
Good luck with your efforts going forward. You are doing the right thing.
Sometimes joining forces with a group of parents to form an advocacy committee that supports gifted children and challenges unreasonable policies can be tremendously helpful. In our district, the advocacy committee not only pushed for change and served as a watchdog for problems, but was always in the background when teachers refused to listen to parents about their children. The district knew that the advocacy group would no longer tolerate the lack of support for an appropriate education.
Wishing you well…