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Turning Some Big Pages

August 20, 2012 5 Comments

I know it’s cliched to say it, but today? It was bittersweet.

Lots of milestones and big leaps for us all.

My youngest started kindergarten. My oldest started middle school.

It seems that only yesterday, my oldest was born; that I became a mama. Young. Naive. Determined. And so many other adjectives.

It seems that only yesterday, my youngest was born; that I went from having babies to fully raising a family. Young. Naive. Determined. And so many other adjectives.

These babies. Their sweet smell. Their tiny coos. The late night nursings. Their embodiment of new beginnings.

If I’m completely honest, I’ll admit, that the fact the my oldest has reached such a milestone (always the milestones! just stop, already!) makes my heart hurt in such big ways. She’s growing, just as she should.

Confident. Secure. Happy. Healthy.

But she is my firstborn.

If I’m completely honest, I’ll admit, that the fact the my youngest has reached such a milestone (again, with the milestones! just stop, already!) makes my heart hurt in such big ways. He’s growing, just as he should.

Confident. Secure. Happy. Healthy.

But he is my baby.

And yet, he isn’t. He’s growing up, just as he should.

A part of me wanted… hoped for… another. I loved being pregnant. I loved all of the changes, the anticipation. A world of newness waiting to bloom. I loved the connections and bonding it created through the family.  Oldest to youngest. Youngest to oldest. The smell of a newborn is intoxicating.

Randy and I discussed the possibility of it. But in the end, we believed, in our hearts, that things are just as they should be.

But it doesn’t mean that milestones are less painful, or easier to bear.

It doesn’t mean that each step doesn’t fill me with nostalgia, or flood me with emotions.

I’m eternally grateful for my babies. They all are just that. All four: my babies.

Birth order has no real bearing in the grand scheme of things. The milestones aren’t any easier when the last crosses them, as they were when the first crossed them.

My two middle children. They ground me in so many ways. They ground the oldest and youngest, as well.

It’s a full circle. All of the dots are connected.

And life moves forward.

Just as it should.

 _________

just write

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Comments

  1. Jessica says

    August 21, 2012 at 6:46 am

    My youngest is just about to start preschool and I have that urge to have one more just so this isn’t my last starting school. These milestones don’t really get easier do they?

    Reply
    • Karla says

      August 21, 2012 at 12:23 pm

      No, Jessica… There seems to always be some sort of heart-string firmly tied around each and every milestone.

      Good luck to your new preschooler! (and to you, mama :)

      Reply
  2. John Ross Barnes says

    August 21, 2012 at 10:44 am

    This is a great post, Karla. I especially like the fine use of repetition of thematic phrases for emphasis. Works well here. And then there are the Oh-so-familiar parent feels you relate – can’t get more real than that.

    My oldest is now 31. Youngest, A-Boy, is 8. Time, whether it ultimately exists or not (see current debates in physics, string theory), continues to march on for us. Between my DW and I, there are now 6 kids, 6 grands, & 2 great grands (by marriages). At this numerical level of parenthood the changes seem to come at an exponentially increasing rate, and to some degree the growing pains seem to at least be spread out amongst the various and sundry populous progeny.

    But still, continue to take Lots of Pictures, yes, more than you have been. Trust me on this one. And later on, when they start to move on, keep the tissues close to wherever the pictures are stored.

    Reply
    • Karla says

      August 21, 2012 at 1:48 pm

      Thanks, John! I’m always flattered by your comments.

      My head explodes when I think of the time aspect. And you are correct… it just moves forward. Never backwards.

      Fortunately, we both take tons of photos and videos. People may make fun and say ‘put the *&^! camera down and just be in the moment’, but we are not only, still, in the moment, we are capturing it for future enjoyment. I will never regret capturing any of those moments. Fully present and preserved.

      Reply
  3. Katherine @ Grass Stains says

    August 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    I totally agree, Karla. No matter which child it is in the birth order, each milestone is special, and each one is both hard and incredibly joyful. All four of mine will always be my babies, too. I can’t imagine a time when they will walk away from my house and I won’t feel like my heart is literally walking away from me, too.

    Reply

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